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|What's under your Kilt?||"Ultimate dumb patron come-back story"|
Or my own (I seem to attract the idiots - whereas other guys are getting historians and TV producers dropping by for a chat, I seem to have a tattoo on my forehead that says 'Ask silly questions here') when I had this kid coming up and asking "Is that sword real?" He continually asked this every two minutes for the better part of an hour, egged on by his family who thought this hysterically funny. Eventually good manners escaped me and I sad "No, it's not real. It's a figment of yor imagination. Go home and lie down".
Or the classic foreign tourist. This was a lady from the US who was with a party of tourists from the United States, and to be fair, the rest were asking the kind of good intelligent questions we like to answer. However, proving the rule that every silver lining has a dark cloud, she then engaged a friend of mine, Ian, in what ahs got to be the most memorable conversation I've ever heard:
Woman: Are those horses from Americ
a? Ian: No they're Irish thoroughbreds
Woman: But they originally come from America, right?
Ian: No, these are Irish, although I think there's Arab in a couple of them somewhere.
Woman: But all horses come from America?
At this point, all the other tourists are looking at her in a "What the hell is she about to say" kind of way Ian: Erm, no
Woman: Oh get real! Everyone knows Europeans didn't have horses until they were brought over from America!
Ian: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that's untrue. Haven't you seen the pictures of Romans on horseback?
Woman: But that doesn't mean they had them in Europe, does it?
Ian: Excuse me. I am going to have to leave now before I kill you
We were camping in a beautiful spot by the river under the walls of Warwick Castle in England portraying fifteenth century soldiers and their families. On a hanger by the fire we had two fish. A family approached and we overheard the small boy say to his father "are those fish real Dad?" Dad proceeded to tell him how nothing was real and everything was plastic and or fake in some other way. We interrupted him "actually sir the fish are real. They are especially trained stunt fish, our pets actually. We have to dip them in the river every twenty minutes or so or they suffocate that's why they are on the hanger..." This member of the great british pubic took it "hook, line and sinker" and was heard to say to his boy as he walked away - "see son I told you they were real!"
Q "Why has your spear got a metal knob on the end?"
A "Since we discovered killing people for a hobby was illegal."
Q "Do you do this all the time?"
A "Yes, last week I was having sex with my girlfriend and knocked all her teeth out with my axe."
OK, so not all these answers may actually have happened, but the temptation is always there.
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